So It’s Been a While…

Published June 13, 2017 by inthespiritofwriting

So it’s been a while, and I’m pleased to say that despite my absence on here I have actually been writing again. Of course, it’s still not as often as I’d like but hey progress is progress am I right? Of course I am. 🙂

Anyway, a few months ago I rediscovered an old friend of mines fan fiction and fell in love with it. The more I read, the more I thought to myself that most of my writers block seemed to stem from not knowing what to write about or simply not being inspired. I had never considered myself a “fan” of really anything. Sure, I loved the Harry Potter books, Star Wars, and just about every “nerdy” thing under the sun but I am nothing like my husband who knows the ins and out’s of each book and/or story, wears all the merchandise we can afford on our meager paychecks or anything like that. I simply watch a show or read a book and watch/ read it all the way through and enjoy it at face value. There are very few things out there that I could find myself talking for hours about and yet as I continued to read my friends fan fiction I began to wonder to myself, what if I actually tried to write one. Was there anything out there that I knew the world and story line inside and out and loved all of it enough to spends months and/or years devoted to that story line tweaking and pulling out bits and pieces of it to make it my own. The more I considered it the more I realized there was one.

Finding my inspiration

Published June 13, 2017 by inthespiritofwriting

I’m not sure when exactly my creative personality left me but so far it has proven to be an exceptionally elusive creature. Ever since I can remember, I have always loved stories. Learning to read was like getting handed over the keys to a brand new expensive dangerously fast car, or a multi-million dollar house free of charge. My whole world opened up as I discovered new an exciting locations, animals, and amazing plot lines. Poetry, fiction, non fiction, it didn’t matter I just couldn’t get enough.

Perhaps I lost my creative drive when I discovered I was reading and writing at a higher level than my classmates. Or maybe it was because I had one to many instructors giving me too much structure through out grade school, or even the handful of college professors who pushed me too hard and made me feel like a foolish child for lack of experience.

Whatever the reason I find myself struggling to find myself again.

Racing thoughts….

Published June 13, 2017 by inthespiritofwriting

Angry, happy, scared, terrified,

ecstatic, lonely, anxious, devastated,

these unwelcome thoughts come rushing through my mind

sputtering lost and confused I feel as though I’ve no where to turn.

 

crying, happy, scared, anxious

not knowing where to go

not knowing who to call

chest burning, head threatening to explode

 

into the darkness I hide

my pillow I’m tightly grasping

blue in the face, I’m practically gasping

 

Angry, happy, scared, terrified,

ecstatic, lonely, anxious, devastated.

 

Off topic…

Published May 23, 2017 by inthespiritofwriting

Sometimes it scares me how raw the internet can be. I recently joined a… you know honestly I don’t know what to call it…. I suppose it’s a social media app designed specifically for people who struggle with all sorts of things ranging from LFTBQ, bipolar, ocd, ptsd, depression, physical and mental abuse and so much more.

since joining every day I’ve seen some of the happiest posts that make me want to shout for joy as someone achieved some fantastic milestone (regardless to how small it might seem to me personally), to crying as I read other posts of people giving up and wanting to end their lives.

On and on, post after post it goes on through this emotional roller coaster I want nothing more than to reach out to these individuals and hold them close, tell them that they are loved even if I’ve never seen or talked to them before, and yet all I am allowed to do is give them a simple “heart”, no better than hitting the like button on Facebook. I receive no closure that the individual fighting to stay alive did not swallow those pills or pick up the gun. I have no idea if they saw that little “heart” that I nearly broke my finger hitting the button on my screen hoping and praying that they saw it in time that someone out there is saying “hey it’s ok, I’m rooting for you, I’ve got your back.” Words fail me as I encounter this day after day trying to focus on the positive. I imagine that these individuals see my “heart” along with several thousands of other “hearts” and it gives them the strength to carry on until they receive the support they truly need.

I can’t say I’m getting used to seeing this everyday, but today in particular hit me pretty hard. Today, I saw someone who I truly wanted to connect with. I saw someone suffering through exactly what I have suffered with every day of my life. I wanted nothing more than to tell them that they weren’t alone. I wanted to tell them I have also felt that pain. I wanted to tell them that while I might still be feeling that pain even in my adult life, but it does get better. Strangely as much as I wanted to tell them they weren’t alone I also wanted them to tell me that I wasn’t alone. I wanted them to tell me all the same things I wanted to tell them.

I wanted them to tell me… god’s I don’t even know what I would want them to say. Maybe that I really can trust people again. That I can believe them when someone tells me I’m beautiful, that I’m worth a damn, that I’m smart, that I’m everything I want to be and most importantly that I really can make a difference in the world. I want to be told that I matter, and for once in my life I want to truly believe it.

 

Damn, I guess I needed them as much as I needed them. I really hope that stupid little heart button means as much to them as it does to me….

So I finally got an idea and ran with it…

Published November 26, 2014 by inthespiritofwriting

So yesterday I finally decided to take the idea from my last post and ran with it. Please bear in mind this is mostly a freewrite (writing on the fly) that I pumped out at 7am. I’ve edited a few things since then but it’s still pretty raw. Please be gentle but let me know what you think!

She couldn’t tear her eyes away. The luscious curves, those rockin’ hips, and that absolutely flawless ass that fit perfectly into those skintight jeans. God her skin crawled every time she looked at that ass. Her fingers itched to reach out and grab it. Stop! Alex forced her mind to come to a screeching halt. These thoughts and feelings were wrong. Her family would never accept her if they knew. Besides the idea of being with another woman, it just seemed too weird. Sure she had had those drunken nights in college, but those experiences couldn’t be trusted could they? She shook her head, no that was simply to impress the boy’s. Besides she was a married woman after all. A slow smile slowly spread accross her face, her cheeks burning ever so slightly as she returned to her work, her mind drifting back to the girl. Damn what a nice ass.

To write or not to write…….

Published September 25, 2014 by inthespiritofwriting

The irony never sceases to amaze me I have finally found something decent to write about and I’m certain 90% of the world population will hate it. 50% will hate it because they fear and don’t understand it and the other half will hate it because they have lived it.

One of the biggest ossicles that I seem to find myself in at this particular point in my life is my sexuality. Specifically, my sexual interests. Do I like men, women or something in between? I want nothing more than to write, learn and explore as much about this topic as possible. For example, how does one know if they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual or have any other type of sexual interest? Is it really so black and white that they find a particular sex to be attractive and then they know just based on looking? Does it have to be a physical attraction (body on body) is it a mental connection? How do you know your not simply trying to fit in with your only friend who just so happens to be gay? What if your simply going through a rough patch in your life and you looking to rebel? How do you know the exact origin of your excitement. For example, say you think your a lesbian because you kissed a girl and you found it enjoyable. Perhaps that does make you a lesbian but maybe you just like kissing and the girl was just exceptionally good at it. These questions and so many others burst through my head like a raging river.

How does a 27 year old married woman find herself in this situation and better still find these answers. How does she cope when she knows her already crumbling relationship with her family would plummet even further if they found out. My only salvation is my writing, my husband, my best friend and now apparently all of you so please bear my secret well.

Of course if I were to put it to words I would love to write a short story or even a novel about this experience. I strongly believe that it would not only help me to untangle the knots of confusion I have found myself wrapped up in but also to help others like myself.

I would love to share my story and hear others’ stories in hopes that one day we may all find acceptance and gain a respectful understanding of each other.

Finding my Inspiration… I hope

Published February 15, 2014 by inthespiritofwriting

I’m not sure when exactly my creative personality left me but so far it has proven to be an exceptionally elusive creature. Ever since I can remember, I have always loved stories. Learning to read was like getting handed over the keys to a brand new expensive dangerously fast car, or a multi-million dollar house free of charge. My whole world opened up as I discovered new an exciting locations, animals, and amazing plot lines. Poetry, fiction, non fiction, it didn’t matter I just couldn’t get enough. My world seemed to explode when I discovered in the third grade that not only could I read wonderful stories but that I could create my own. I think that’s when I began to fall in love with writing.

If only it could have lasted. Somewhere at some point things changed. Perhaps I lost my creative drive when I discovered I was reading and writing at a higher level than my classmates. Or maybe it was because I had one to many instructors giving me too much structure through out grade school, or even the handful of college professors who pushed me too hard and made me feel like a foolish child for lack of experience. Maybe it happened when I took up writing for a local newspaper. After all reporting the news can be pretty dull…

Whatever the reason, my mind that used to be overflowing with new and exciting ideas to write about, my fingers that used to itch when I couldn’t jot/type up those ideas, have all came to a screeching halt. I feel empty and hollow inside and I find myself struggling to find myself again.

Some how I need to start writing again… and I will reboot this process by writing about anything that comes to mind in this blog. It may be bits and pieces about my life (Names, dates, places and anything else will be changed), an old story/assignment from an old class I would like to share, perhaps a character idea, a dream, and god help me if I get lucky I may have a glimmer of an idea. 

Wish me luck on this new journey in hopes to finding my inspiration, my drive as a writer, and above all myself.